WWF Champion: Sycho Sid
WWF Intercontinental Champion: Hunter Hearst Helmsley
WWF Tag Team Champions: Owen Hart & The British Bulldog
Commentary: Jim Ross, Vince McMahon & Jerry “The King” Lawler
WWF Royal Rumble
January 19th, 1997
The Alamo Dome; San Antonio, Texas
WWF Intercontinental Championship: Goldust (w/Marlena) vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley (w/Mr. Hughes)
I have no idea why Hunter has Mr. Hughes with him, JR says Hunter told him that he’s proud of his new butler
lmao
Goldust doesn’t wait until Hunter even make it to ringside as he meets him on the entrance way jumps him from there. The early portion is all Goldust and Hunter taking some great mid-card level bumps; this suffers a lot from a dead crowd which is a shame and unwarranted as the in-ring action is really good, it’s not mind blowing amazing but everything is really solid. Hunter is cheating while Goldust is super aggressive. The ref allows Goldust to not only slam the blue steel steps on only on his back, before slamming it on his knee too. Back in the ring, and Goldust targets the knee, Hunter’s selling is AWESOME! But the structure of the match is way off it feels like Goldust is the heel with the controlling and Hunters comeback is super babyface like, during the match some geek interviews another geek and he tries to sing, the match is that trash that we have to get an in-match-promo
The match turns into a back and forth affair with both men trying to hit big moves, but neither can connect so they take turns just exchanging counters. Mr. Hughes throws in the IC title, but Marlena makes out with Hunter allowing Goldust to recover and then nails Hunter with the IC title, but during the cover, Hughes pulls Hunter to the floor. Goldust knocks Hughes to the floor and Marlena spits cigar ash in his eyes, Goldust is distracted and does see Hunter comeback in and nails him with a clothesline; he then hits the Pedigree and covers for the win. Everything was solid but just weird and the dead crowd did this no favors’ along with it being 15 minutes. **3/4
Pre-tape interview: Bret says, people are talking about how he’s going into this Rumble as a marked man, but that’s nothing new, he’s always been a marked man. And at this rumble can’t go any further back because he’s taken too many steps back.
Pre-tape interview: Mankind says, people see the Rumble as an opportunity to get a shot at the WWF title, but he sees it as a chance to hurt a lot of people. It’s gonna be a nice day.
Faarooq (w/The Nation of Domination) vs. Ahmed Johnson
Ahmed’s theme song still rings off, IDK what it is but every time I hear it I can’t help but nod my head; Ahmed races down from the entrance way and the match is on, and the match goes all downhill from here. Faarooq's attack on the back and kidneys is pretty great, Ahmed sells well enough during the attack to make me almost believe a punt to the kidney can “almost lose your life” Thanks WWF. He then forgets it and acts like the match just started. Ahmed seems to have this won, but the Nation attack for the DQ. After the mach; Ahmed cleans house and chances Faarooq up the ramp, one of the Nation guys stops him from getting to Faarooq and Ahmed stalks him back down to ringside; he slams his head into the steps and delivers the PEARL RIVER PLUNGE THROUGH THE FRENCH ANNOUNCE TABLE. *
Pre-tape interview: Terry Funk says, there are faster wrestlers, bigger wrestlers, stronger wrestlers and younger wrestlers in the rumble. But this is my state, and I was born to rumble.
Backstage: Todd Pettengill interviews The Nation; he says this war is no over; Faarooq cuts him off and embarrasses this thot and geek with glasses for not fighting for him. He says tonight was just the beginning and he will see him in the rumble, you Uncle TOM!
Vader vs. The Undertaker
SUPER AWESOME SLUGFEST BRAWL TO START, as both men trade rights with one another, I love that this is the first time in Vader’s career we’ve seen him fear another man. But he doesn’t back down right away, he keeps dishing out power moves and strikes that normally put down a normal man but Taker keeps sitting up, after the 3rd sit-up Vader bails to have words with the ref who is still on the floor after Taker did the ref threat spot
Taker controls the match but during old school Vader has it scouted and shakes his leg crotching Taker onto the top rope, he again low blow blows him as again we cut to some geek fan tell us that she use to stalk HBK and babysat her way to buy these tickets, this is crowd shot level no fucks. Vader’s offense isn’t the best here, he uses a lot of rest holds and flying belly strikes. But Taker’s mini-comebacks along with the main comeback is pretty great, and as usual, Vader was amazing at bumping for Taker. Paul Bearer walked down to the ring with the urn the same time Taker nails Vader with a chokeslam; TAKER THEN NAILS PAUL BEARER! And has him in position for the chokeslam but sees Vader coming in and breaks the hold to go back at Vader, they brawl on the floor, and Taker goes for a flying leap off the steps but Paul pulls Vader out of the way and Taker crashes mid-section first into the steel rails. The ref deals with Vader, and Bearer hits Taker with the urn! Vader pulls him in, and Vader hits the Vader Bomb for the win. After the match; Vader and Paul leave, Taker recovers and argues with the ref. He chokeslams the ref because he’s a sore loser, he then trashes the ringside area and gets in Vince’s face. Super fun, but they would have a much better match later in the year. **3/4
Backstage: Steve Austin is walking around when a cameraman runs up to him, he says he’s not talking to anyone until he throws 29 other pieces of trash over the top rope and advances to WrestleMania.
Earlier today; The British Bulldog is making his way into the arena and he says he’s gonna make history when he wins.
Jerry Estrada, Heavy Metal & Fuerza Guerrera vs. Héctor Garza, Perro Aguayo & Canek
If you think the crowds don’t give a shit about 205 today, this is even worse you can legit hear a pin drop of that one geek trying to whistle. I legit just think this is here because WWF is either trying to do WCW and or because they are in Texas home of the Mexican’s according to Sid. Not gonna lie I don’t know who any of these guys are outside of Heavy Metal because I’ve seen him in TNA 2003/2004. This is choreographed to the tee, shit looked either practiced to shit or they’ve done this same match like 69 times. They’re blatantly waiting for strikes, the moves and when it’s time to get in. Aguayo hit Metal with a Double Stomp off the top to win. *1/2
Howard Finkle announces the crowd attendance tonight is 60,477.
Royal Rumble Match
Crush is #1, Ahmed and his amazing kneepads on his highs are #2; trash for 90 seconds, Fake Razor is #3 Ahmed throws him out
Faarooq shows up and Ahmed smartly jumps over the top and chases him to the back, I guess he’s too dumb to know the rules or even more stupider just not to roll under the bottom rope like everyone else. The clock is broken according to Vince so we don’t get a countdown instead, music just hits lol. Phineas Godwinn is #4, more trash. STEVE AUSTIN IS #5
Godwinn throws Crush out, but turns into the Stunner, and Austin tosses him too. Bart Gunn is #6 they botch a standing leg drop, then Bart botches going over the top so Austin clotheslines him over the top. Austin does push-ups as he waits, then sits on the top turnbuckle and looks at the watch on his wrist tape
Jake Roberts is #7 and goes right to work, working over Austin’s arm. British Bulldog is #8 during his entrance Austin throws Jake out
Pierroth is #9, The Sultan is #10, Mil Mascaras is #11, Hunter is #12. Bulldog clotheslines Sultan out; Owen Hart is #13 Bulldog is trying to push Austin out, and Owen pushes them both, but only Bulldog goes over and is eliminated. Owen says it was an accident and Bulldog is mad. Goldust is #14 and he goes right to Hunter.
Cibernetico is #15, Marc Mero is #16 Pierroth throws out Cibernetico, Mil throws out Pierroth, and stupidly dives over the top to him, eliminating himself
lmao
Goldust clotheslines Hunter out. Latin Lover is #17 as Owen clotheslines Goldust out. Faarooq is #18 he eliminates the Latin Lover and has a nice brawl with Austin; Ahmed runs back out with a 2x4 and nails Faarooq, with it knocking him over the top. He then chases him to the back and we get a replay of Austin throwing out Mero and Owen. Austin is the last man standing again, Savio Vega is #19 but gets thrown out by Austin. Jessie James is #20, and is quickly eliminated by Austin, GOAT MOMENT HAPPENS AUSTIN IS SITTING ON THE TOP ROPE; THEN BRET’S MUSIC HITS AND AUSTIN DOES THIS AMAZING SHOCKED FACIAL EXPRESSION
Bret Hart #21 Bret/Austin awesomeness, Jerry Lawler is #22, but Bret immediately punches Lawler out over the top
lmao
Fake Diesel is #23, Terry Funk #24, Rocky #25, Mankind #26, we get some AWESOME Pairings like Funk/Austin, Funk/Mankind, Funk/Bret. Flash Funk #27, Vader is #28 and he fucks everyone up
Henry Godwinn is #29 and Taker is #30
Taker and Vader go to war; before Taker takes the fight to everyone he hits chokeslams on Austin and Vader. Vader catches Flash and hits a Fallaway Slam over the top, Taker eliminates Goodwin, and Mankind applies the Mandible Claw on Rocky and throws him out. Mankind suplexs Funk off the apron to the floor, Taker then kicks him off the apron; Funk and Mankind brawl to the back. The refs are busy dealing with that and don’t see Austin being eliminated by Bret; Austin then sneaks back in and throws Vader and Taker over the top. Bret tosses Diesel out, but Austin comes from behind and throws him out winning it. This was clearly the Austin showcase and was pretty great when he got time to shine. Austin leaves and Bret is pissed, he’s pleading with the ref before putting his hands on the refs by shoving them. Bret starts throwing shit and he yells at Vince to do something about this and that he was screwed and they all saw it.
Earlier Today; JR had an interview with Shawn Michaels, he claims he has the “flu” but he looks super fucked up like he mixed Coke, Pills and Cough Syrup altogether. He says when it comes to crunch time he will be ready to go.
WWF World Heavyweight Championship: Shawn Michaels (w/Jose Lothario) vs. Sycho Sid
Shawn’s San Antonio attire is godly, if I ever find out where it’s held I’m willing to go steal it. God damn, I miss those main events WWF title matches backstage walks to the ring, it gives it such a main event feel. So this is weird, first of it goes 13 minutes which means Shawn must have been super fucked up and Sid probably too. As a result, this is like 90% Sid with rest holds. He smartly works over the back softening it up for the powerbomb, at least Shawn isn’t too fucked up to take his bumps. Shawn makes his comeback but Sid catches the superkick, he throws him to the floor and powerbombs him onto the floor. He chokes both Jose and his kid, but breaks the hold once he sees Shawn moving, back in the ref gets bumped in the corner and Sid chokeslams Shawn, but no ref. Another one comes down to count but Shawn kicks out at two, Sid then nails the other ref BECAUSE HE’S SNAPPED! Sid sees Jose on the apron and turns his attention to him allowing Shawn to grab one of the cameras and nails Sid with it twice, for revenge, he covers and it takes Earl all of 30 seconds to crawl over and it takes him 9 seconds to count to two. Shawn then delivers Sweet Chin Music and covers for the win. Shawn celebrates for 7 minutes, lol half the match afterward. **1/2