Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Canadian Dragon]

ah Jake Atlas, I remember that trainwreck of a career

 

[Sky]

Entry #306
Veer vs. Jaxson Ryker
WWE Main Event - October 28, 2021​

Now that that's done with, I can look at the other four wrestlers who were released last night. And next up is Veer! This Main Event match happened while he was announced as coming to RAW. In fact, it aired just days after the original vignette where he was coming. Honestly, I'd have been more hyped for a vignette saying "Jaxson Ryker is Going", because Veer's opponent would finally fuck off within a month, having torpedoed Wesley Blake's career in the process (and initially Maclin's too, but he did okay for himself). And no, I didn't time this so Jaxson Ryker would be the 666th unique wrestler in this thread. Not intentionally. But I know he'd hate it that way.

Ryker is allegedly a face here. Remember when they tried to get this fucker over as a face? It didn't work! Veer pushes Ryker in the back and they stare down again. Ryker starts working the left arm (the Million Dollar one) but gets elbowed again and again by Veer using his right. Veer misses a strike in the corner with his left arm so Ryker can work it again. Ryker pushes Veer into the corner shoulder-first. They clash shoulders, then Ryker hits a shoulderblock and... something drop to the left shoulder for two. Veer hits his weird jumping splash for only one. He snaps Ryker on to his back and hits a fist drop, getting two. The silence in this match is painful.

Veer puts on a chinlock. I'm hearing "let's go Ryker", and I seriously doubt that that was an actual crowd chant, Probably some WWE backstage workers who made that audio, This is so fucking uninspiring. Sidewalk slam by Veer for two. He misses a backsplash and Ryker gets a few arm clubs. Ryker's crossbody gets two. He's going for a diving headbutt but Veer rolls away. Corner clotheslines, then the Million Dollar Arm, and that's it.

Wow, I wonder why those guys aren't currently employed by WWE? Truly a mystery. Jaxson Ryker has to be one of my least favourite wrestlers. Even considering only the on-screen product. Complete insomnia cure.

 

[Sky]

Entry #307
Sanga vs. Xyon Quinn
WWE NXT 2.0 - June 28, 2022​

Up next, a two-for-one deal! Amazingly, Sanga's most-derided match (that I could find) also features Xyon Quinn! Even more amazingly, this happened on the same night as the much-trashed Mandy Rose vs. Nikkita Lyons encounter. Let's see why these two aren't employed anymore.

Big hairy boy Sanga's accosted by Xyon during his entrance, and they're brawling. It takes an entire ad break, a Diamond Mine backstage segment, and a graphic for the upcoming Carmelo/Grayson match to separate them for the match to start. Xyon goes out of the ring, then takes a cheap shot while Sanga's talking to the ref. Sanga's offence is wild clubbing blows, like a true 80s giant. Xyon fails to shoulderblock Sanga down. This allows the Sanga dominance to begin, with a kick to the small of the back and a clothesline out. They go out briefly but Xyon knees Sanga as he comes back in. Rope choke because zzzzzzzzzzz.

Sanga catches a kick and smacks Xyon right in the back. He then gives Xyon a Snake Eyes in two of the corners. "One more time", as the crowd want, is not forthcoming. Sanga misses an elbow drop and Xyon hits a falling shoulderblock for a one-count. Headlock segment by Xyon that drags for nearly a minute. Sanga pushes Xyon back into the corner but gets dropkicked in the back. Sanga gets a back elbow, then gets a Cobra Clutch out of pretty much nowhere. Xyon breaks out but gets powerslammed. One guy tries to start a "boring" chant. Yep. Chokeslam finishes it.

Eh. I don't really care.

 

[Sky]

Entry #308
Jinder Mahal (c) vs. Randy Orton
Punjabi Prison Match for the WWE Championship
WWE Battleground - July 23, 2017​

Of course, the final release this go around was Jinder Mahal, who's got a much bigger repertoire of bad matches behind him. So I was left with a lot more choice, and a much juicier choice too. I eventually went with this, which is shockingly the first appearance of the Punjabi Prison in this thread! That's right, we're taking a look at WWE's worst stipulation! This apparently came about when Court Bauer showed an exploding ring deathmatch to Vince, left him with that thought, and came back to find it had morphed into this. There have been three Punjabi Prison matches, all of them bad. And it's also part of Jinder Mahal's inexplicable WWE Title run. Let's go!

Jinder's out first, wearing his grumpy heel face, and no Singh Brothers, giving us false hope that we're not going to have them interfering this time. The outer structure is lowered accompanied by Generic Indian Subcontinent BGM #4. Top tip for bookers: If Greg Hamilton takes about a minute to explain the rules of the stipulation, that is a bad stipulation. It's surreal to hear good old Tommy Facefuck on WWE commentary, with how my mind now associates him with TNA. I'm expecting him to call Eddie Edwards interfering or something.

Orton starts laying in with forearms and kicks. Jinder downs Orton and immediately calls for door number 1 to be opened, but he stops to allow Orton to stop him. Both keep trying to get through the door but are held back. This is one of the main reasons why Punjabi Prison matches are so bad: they make the worst part of cage matches the most important part of the match. The door is locked, and the two wrestlers stop wrestling for a bit to allow it to happen. Eventually they're back to generic brawly stuff. Jinder pulls out a double knee armbreaker (that's a pretty cool move), and starts working that arm with the aid of stomps and the bamboo. I'm aware of the quiet of the crowd. It's probably because they have no idea what's going on.

What's going on is a hammerlock variation by Jinder. Jinder continues to work the arm. I have no idea what the fans are chanting, but it doesn't sound positive. Jinder tries the second door, but Orton fairly unconvincingly stops him with the worked arm, which is just bad practice. Orton hits a fallaway slam. Double down, Orton drags himself to the door, but Jinder pulls him away. Neither makes it to the second door, only two left. Some fucking dweebs try to start a "let's go Jinder" chant. Jinder gets whipped, but instead tries to climb the bamboo. Orton follows behind, Jinder kicks him off, but Orton drags him off so Jinder bounces off the top rope, testicles first. You can't fake that shit! Jinder counters the Hangman's DDT and rams Orton into the cage. Fans still can't see shit. Orton suplexes Jinder into the bamboo wall a couple of times.

Orton calls for door number 3, but crawls too slowly so Jinder can stop him. Am I hearing CM Punk chants?? Orton downs Jinder with a headlock and is almost there, but Jinder snaps his arm on the rope. Door number 3 is gone. A lot of staring down on knees. Fucking stop. The geeks trying to start "let's go Jinder" chants are actually catching on. Orton gets a quick powerslap and manages to hit the Hangman's DDT after all. Orton calls for the final door, but goes for the RKO instead, letting Jinder get a high knee. Khallas gets countered into an RKO, and I get it, cool spot, but it's a long walk for not much. And after all that talk about no Singhs interference, the Singhs come out from UNDER THE RING and drag Jinder out of the door.

Orton is now forced to climb the cage, while Jinder is on the outer cage. He monkey-bars his way across, and now they're fighting on the outer cage. Orton manages to face-bust Jinder on to the floor. Singhs drag Orton down and start beating on him, because every single Jinder Mahal match is the same. Singhs toss Orton into the way of a superkick. Jinder climbs, but Orton suplexes a Singh before dragging him down again. Another suplex for one Singh before tossing another into the cage. Jinder grabs a kendo stick and cracks it against Orton. Khallas attempt but Orton rams Jinder into the cage. Now Orton's got the kendo stick and is smashing every Canadian-of-Indian-heritage in sight.

Time for Orton to climb the cage... but a Singh slips through one of the holes by Being a Cruiserweight, and chokes Orton against the cage bar. Orton manages to punch (apparently) Samir Singh off the cage so he can take an announce table bump. The far-too-long time this took allows Jinder to recover and climb up. They do a bit of fighting on the cage, Jinder dragging Orton down, you know the sort of thing. Jinder misses a kick and gets his leg caught on the cage, allowing Orton to hit a Hangman's DDT on the floor. Orton gets a steel chair, while they keep playing that Samir table bump because nothing interesting has happened since. Chair shots for Sunil and Jinder. Slowly.

Back to climbing the cage for Orton. Sunil grabs the leg but gets kicked off. Orton has no strength in his arms to do it... but Jinder's music hits? Out comes the GREAT MOTHERFUCKING KHALI. Orton's trying to climb the last bit, until Khali shakes the bamboo and brings him down. Khali CLIMBS THE CAGE and gets Orton with a one-handed choke, allowing Jinder to climb over and (eventually) win. You'd think this was the start of an Indian super-stable, but no, Khali didn't appear again to help his former storyline brother-in-law. Or indeed, appear at all until his final WWE match as a random appearance in the Greatest Royal Rumble.

Want to know how long this match lasted? 27 minutes and 40 seconds. And almost none of it containing anything of note. Absolutely wretchedly boring. Who decided this would be okay? Vince McMahon did. No idea how he wasn't institutionalised for suggesting this.

 

[Sky]

Entry #309
The Gunn Club vs. The Factory
AEW Dynamite - August 25, 2021​

On this very special day, I decided I'd watch a bad match from one of my Birthday Twins... and you'd be surprised at how hard that one is. Chuck Taylor and Kyoko Inoue are the main ones, and neither has wrestled a "bad" match from what I can tell. Except Mercury Rising, which I already dealt with. I thought I'd hit the jackpot when ProFightDB had Orlando Jordan as an April 22 child... but turns out that was a mistake, as he's actually April 21. So instead I go to my last resort pick: Nick Comoroto! This match is from the worst rated Dynamite on Cagematch until the one with Jay White vs. Billy Gunn came along. What is it with Billy Gunn? It's all three Gunns against QT, Solo, and Comoroto. Let's see it.

Paul Wight on commentary and a jobber entrance for the Factory members. Comoroto starts with standard mid-2000s WWE power-on-power vs. Billy, but slower and sloppier. One of the Ass Boys hits a snapmare neckbreaker on Solo, but QT knocks him down. It's apparently Austin, according to commentary. Standard face-in-peril stuff. "QT sucks" chants while commentary talks about him buying a puppy. Austin fights up with some rights but Solo gets a double foot stomp for two. QT goes for two elbows, teases a third, then does a BIG WALK because he's a heel. And the heeliest thing you can do in AEW is not do flashy stuff. He crotch-chops to Billy too, leading to "Suck it QT" chants.

Comoroto applies a bearhug because it's the 70s. This dude would be way over in those days, actually. They didn't care about workrate then. Comoroto and then Solo miss a corner charge, and Colten comes in. Remember Colten's undefeated streak? That was wild. Corner splashes and dropkicks for everyone, but Comoroto gives him a LARIATO. Comoroto and Billy clash on the outside, while Austin takes Solo down. It's Colten and QT in the ring, Colten has a double underhook, but QT counters into a Lethal Combination. He goads Paul Wight, so Wight gets up from his commentary desk. The distraction lets Colten get a small package to win! Oh yeah, this was a build to Wight vs. QT. A match no one wanted to see.

Pretty short, not exactly clean or workrate-heavy, but ultimately harmless.

 

[Sky]

Entry #310
Jim Duggan vs. Meng
WCW Monday Nitro - April 22, 1996​

Just as April 22 isn't exactly a red-letter time for Wrestlers Who Aren't Exactly Good, it's not particularly full of Shows With Matches That Aren't Exactly Good either. Going by airdates, that is. The most I can find is this Nitro that featured... Jim Duggan! Delightful. I'm ready for the no-selling and shouting HOOOO.

Meng, naturally, has stalled outside of the ring for the three minutes of ad break before this match starts. When he tries to come in, Duggan brawls him out again. Twice. Schiavone on commentary spoils the RAW on the other side while nothing is happening in the ring. He buries Goldust in particular. Meng comes back in a third time, and Duggan starts a USA chant before brawling away. Meng gets a throat chop, a rope choke, and then a boot choke. Duggan decides to stop selling for a bit, gets a few shots in, then lets Meng get in a few rakes. Which he no-sells right after. Duggan makes the mistake of headbutting a Samoan Tongan.

Meng puts on a NERVE HOLD because dear God why. At least Duggan's habit of random no-selling means he gets up relatively quickly. Duggan goes on the offensive but bounces off Meng. ANOTHER nerve hold. Duggan manages to get up. Meng resists a bash into the turnbuckle but misses an elbow drop and leg drop. Atomic drop by Duggan, brawling, slam, but Duggan misses a corner charge. Meng comes in with chops and boots, and tosses away the ref for trying to break it up. Duggan grabs the 2x4, ref takes it, Meng gets a savate kick that forces a rope break. On the outside, Duggan tapes his fist, to get a surprise KO punch and win.

Not as turgid as other Duggan matches but still pretty dull.

 

[Canadian Dragon]

Entry #309
The Gunn Club vs. The Factory
AEW Dynamite - August 25, 2021​

On this very special day, I decided I'd watch a bad match from one of my Birthday Twins... and you'd be surprised at how hard that one is. Chuck Taylor and Kyoko Inoue are the main ones, and neither has wrestled a "bad" match from what I can tell. Except Mercury Rising, which I already dealt with. I thought I'd hit the jackpot when ProFightDB had Orlando Jordan as an April 22 child... but turns out that was a mistake, as he's actually April 21. So instead I go to my last resort pick: Nick Comoroto! This match is from the worst rated Dynamite on Cagematch until the one with Jay White vs. Billy Gunn came along. What is it with Billy Gunn? It's all three Gunns against QT, Solo, and Comoroto. Let's see it.

Paul Wight on commentary and a jobber entrance for the Factory members. Comoroto starts with standard mid-2000s WWE power-on-power vs. Billy, but slower and sloppier. One of the Ass Boys hits a snapmare neckbreaker on Solo, but QT knocks him down. It's apparently Austin, according to commentary. Standard face-in-peril stuff. "QT sucks" chants while commentary talks about him buying a puppy. Austin fights up with some rights but Solo gets a double foot stomp for two. QT goes for two elbows, teases a third, then does a BIG WALK because he's a heel. And the heeliest thing you can do in AEW is not do flashy stuff. He crotch-chops to Billy too, leading to "Suck it QT" chants.

Comoroto applies a bearhug because it's the 70s. This dude would be way over in those days, actually. They didn't care about workrate then. Comoroto and then Solo miss a corner charge, and Colten comes in. Remember Colten's undefeated streak? That was wild. Corner splashes and dropkicks for everyone, but Comoroto gives him a LARIATO. Comoroto and Billy clash on the outside, while Austin takes Solo down. It's Colten and QT in the ring, Colten has a double underhook, but QT counters into a Lethal Combination. He goads Paul Wight, so Wight gets up from his commentary desk. The distraction lets Colten get a small package to win! Oh yeah, this was a build to Wight vs. QT. A match no one wanted to see.

Pretty short, not exactly clean or workrate-heavy, but ultimately harmless.

bad but harmless sounds right, I have zero recollection of this match