Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #288
The Mamalukes (c) vs. The Harris Brothers
No Disqualification Match for the WCW World Tag Team Championship
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 2000​

I had to take a few days off because a long trip in real life took it out of me. I feel bad for anyone who was watching this show live. They didn't get a few days' break, only however long Finlay/Vampiro took. We return to the remaining five matches on this accursed show. We start with... oh, boy. The Harris Brothers. I hate myself.

The Harris losers are both in suit jackets for some reason. Mark Madden accuses Vito of kissing the ref on the lips. We get a fourth special guest commentator of this run as Disco Inferno takes his place on the desk. Vito is starting strong with some clotheslines on whichever Harris brother is out right now. He tags into Johnny, but Johnny doesn't have as easy a time. He gets a powerslam for two. The Mamalukes look like they're about to botch a double clothesline, but really what they're attempting is a double... standing axe handle, or something. Vito gets punched in the cock by a Harris Brother, who then slugs the air around him. Johnny tries to jump the ropes, sort of falls over, then gets sent back to his corner by the ref.

Vito's not doing too badly, bringing the power moves. Stolen finisher as the Mamalukes hit an H-Bomb for two. A distraction lets one of the Harris boys get a shot in on Johnny and start getting their heat. The ref's dealing with Vito so Johnny gets tossed around outside. After a bit of nondescript beatdown a Harris eats a wheel kick from Johnny, but takes out Vito and gets another ref distraction to continue the heat. Camera focuses on Disco Inferno for a bit, and it's sad when you'd rather watch Disco than whatever's going on in the ring.

Clothesline, double down, hot tag to Vito. He goes up top for a flying elbow. Then the Mamalukes do a Hart Attack on one of their opponents, and the other has to break the pin. Vito gets wiped out and the Harris brothers do a few basic double team things, ending in an H-Bomb which Vito manages to get back and break up. Disco pops up to get in a belt shot, and the Harris brother kicks out at two? Fuckin' modern wrestlers, cheapening sacred techniques like the belt shot. Vito fights off the Harrises two on one but eats a belt shot of his own, followed by an H-Bomb. The Harris Brothers have the titles. There is no god.

Admittedly, the standard wasn't any less than a typical Harris Brothers match. Vito is the only passable worker in this one, though.

 

[Sky]

Entry #289
Terry Funk vs. Dustin Rhodes
Bullrope Match
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 2000​

Next up, we've got black-hat heel Dustin Rhodes who recently turned on Terry Funk because something something family ties. It doesn't make sense. Why would you hurt someone you were friends with because, 20 years ago, your father hurt that person too? Funk's signature weapon here is an uncooked chicken carcass which he calls "Dusty". That doesn't make sense either. It's 2000 WCW. Dustin is called the "American Nightmare".

Funk starts off with a promo, where he calls out Dusty for being fatter. "I got your baby brother here" - for a moment I thought he'd brought out young Cody, but no, it's a guy in a chicken suit. Tenay references the San Diego Chicken, star of one Mania and soon to be two. Dustin's chasing him, and he eats a chicken punch. Seems this isn't a bullrope match in the sense that they're attached to each other, it's just a regular hardcore match with a bullrope in the ring. Funk whips him with it and then DDTs him for two. The worked punches by Funk aren't particularly Funk-like. Funk wallops Dustin with the cowbell on the end of the rope, but Dustin avoids defeat with a rope break. As Funk argues how bullshit it is that rope breaks exist in hardcore matches, Dustin uppercuts him right in the shrivelled old man cock.

Dustin starts using the bullrope as a weapon, whipping him so it cranks his neck and shoulder. Cowbells to the jaw. Crowd doesn't really care, and naturally because the intensity isn't really there. That same rope-whip spot on the outside causes Funk to damage a camera. Ref's starting to count, even though the match started outside the ring. That annoys me. NOW Dustin decides to attach the bullrope. He gets in a few power moves on Funk, including a bulldog on the cowbell. The chicken man comes back, waving rubber chickens (so Cody isn't the only Rhodes with a career low marked with rubber chickens) but Dustin wrecks him.

Funk starts to bounce Dustin on the ropes, crotching him again and again. Then he hoofs him in the nuts with the cowbell. Funk tries to make this match an I Quit match, but the ref doesn't agree so Funk donks him with the cowbell. Funk gives Dustin several cowbell-based concussions. Eventually Dustin quits... which should surely end the match? Even if it's not an I Quit match, surely that counts as a submission? While Funk is making this point to the ref, Dustin whips his head with the rope, crumpling Funk. Now it's Dustin's turn to give some concussions. A piledriver on the cowbell finishes it. Dustin tells Funk to get up, though, and they keep on fightin'.

What's to like? Slow-paced, tonally awkward, logical inconsistencies. The whole thing was just pointless.

 

[Rosie]

I'VE CHANGED THE RULES OF THE MATCH, IT'S AN I QUIT MATCH NOW!

 

[Sky]

Entry #290
Sting vs. The Total Package
Lumberjacks with Casts Match
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 2000​

Now we get to the flaming shitheap of this show. The three last matches, which were all in the Bottom 50 matches of all time. And we start with Sting/Luger! And you know what Sting/Luger needs in the year 2000? Lumberjacks! With casts! The story is basically that Luger broke Sting's arm and a bunch of others' arms too. Now, everyone who had their arm broken by Luger is out to keep him from escaping.

Luger looks purple. What have the steroids done to him? Luger does a fake apology, but brings out his own lumberjacks, thus ruining the entire point of the match. This means we have to see the Harris brothers and Harlem Heat 2000 again. Ugh. Luger attacks Sting early with some pathetic forearms. Sting gets some shots in then rolls Luger out, though mainly to the heel lumberjacks who don't do much to him. Knobbs conducts the crowd in a "Luger sucks" chant. Sting's elbow gets two. After a bit more heat Luger finally lands among the face lumberjacks who get some pounding in. Luger's begging for mercy but tosses Sting to the heel lumberjacks. Very "generic brawl" so far.

Tank Abbott shows up to deck WCW head of security Doug Dellinger and immediately leave. The rest of the lumberjacks (except Vampiro) decide to brawl up the aisle and to the back, making this no longer a lumberjack match all of a sudden. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Luger's applying a headlock. Out come Ric Flair and Elizabeth, with a steel chair between them. Vampiro's fighting Flair off, and at some point Flair took control but the camera misses it. Flair comes in to attack Sting, who no-sells and gives a Stinger Splash. Luger takes advantage of the distraction. Elizabeth hits Sting with a baseball bat, so Jimmy Hart comes in to keep her at bay with the threat of Hogan's weight belt. Double down, Luger gets a pin for two. Torture Rack, but Vampiro hits Luger with the bat, and a Scorpion Death Drop finishes it. Sting and Vampiro are friends now.

So many times this match, I thought "why the fuck did that happen"? Who's allowing Luger to provide his own lumberjacks? Is it Commissioner Nash? He never explicitly allows this. Why was Tank Abbott trying to start a feud with a head of security? Why did the lumberjacks suddenly disappear? Why did it immediately devolve into the same old WCW interference finish? Am I supposed to believe that Jimmy Hart was going to whip Elizabeth upside the head with that weight belt? Why? What? Why?

 

[Chris]

Luger's last couple years in WCW were so fucking bad

 

[Sky]

Entry #291
Sid Vicious (c) vs. Jeff Jarrett
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 2000​

And we continue the anti-fun with what was apparently the main event, until Hogan decided he wanted to main. This is in storyline, by the way. The commentators actually say that this was meant to be the main but it went to Hogan instead. Everyone's acting confused by the change. Not really much to say about this one except to expect interference.

Jarrett tries to get the crowd on side by promosing that if he gets to win, the nWo valets will get naked. Thanks for telegraphing the finish, right there. Basic start with Sid bringing the power. There's a sign saying "I'm going to WrestleMania" in the crowd. Sid telegraphs a chokeslam but Jarrett pokes the eyes. After going to the announce table, Sid and Jarrett start walk-and-brawling into the crowd. A very gassed-sounding Sid takes Jarrett on a tour of the seats before mashing him against the guardrail. But here come the Harris brothers (I can never escape them, can I?) to rough up Sid. The ref tries to stop Jarrett from using a chair. He then gives a warning over a closed fist. And yet, two-man interference is totally fine, apparently. WCW!

Jarrett hops on for a sleeper hold. Admittedly, it's fairly impressive that Jarrett is clinging on to Sid, but it is a minute-long rest hold. Sid fights back and counters Jarrett's axe handle into an inverted atomic drop. One of the Harris boys distracts Sid and the ref, so Jarrett tries to guide Sid into a title belt shot by the other one. Of course, this gets countered and Jarrett gets blasted. Jarrett kicks out, though at least it's because the ref was late on the pin, so they're not devaluing the time-honoured belt shot this time.

Sid goes for the chokeslam but Jarrett gets a nut shot in. He bumps the ref with a back elbow. Guitar shot, and Jarrett calls down backup ref Slick Johnson... but Hulk Hogan is behind! He saves Sid, decking the backup ref and Jarrett! He cleans up and leg drops Jarrett, stacking Sid on him! Sid wins, by the power of Hogan! Because literally no one else can look good. Then Scott Steiner attacks him with a guitar. Because, you know, there wasn't enough overbooking. This leads directly into the next match.

Very typical WCW 2000 main: three different overbooked finishes, all mashed into one. As for the quality, all you need to know is that Sid is in it.

 

[Death By Looch]

Luger's last couple years in WCW were so fucking bad

Yea, but it's weird. Him packaged with Buff Bagwell as bumbling idiot heels in general was entertaining as hell. The matches and booking was just horrendous.

And Luger overall is a weird subject anyways. On one hand he always felt bland as fuck, but there were so many moments were the live crowd just ate everything up what he was serving.

 

[Chris]

Yea, but it's weird. Him packaged with Buff Bagwell as bumbling idiot heels in general was entertaining as hell. The matches and booking was just horrendous.

And Luger overall is a weird subject anyways. On one hand he always felt bland as fuck, but there were so many moments were the live crowd just ate everything up what he was serving.

I overall like most of Luger's career but I don't even agree with your top point. I thought Buff was the standout there and they missed the very small window he could have been a main event in 2000 when they were struggling

 

[Emb]

Luger was a good wrestler from 87-92 with flashes of greatness in 89 and parts of 88. His match with The Giant from Starrcade 96 was also the best singles match Big Show had in WCW.

 

[Sky]

Entry #292
Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair
Yapapi Indian Strap Match
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 2000​

And we finally reach what we came for! The YAPAPI INDIAN STRAP MATCH! So, basically, Hogan and Flair are going to have an old man match, but with straps this time. Steiner's just attacked Hogan, as you saw in the above post, and while Jarrett's not even done being escorted to the back, Flair's here to strap Hogan up. "Why can't Hogan just stay out of the spotlight?" -Mark Madden being right for once. This is a four-corners type of strap match. Remember that now.

Jimmy Hart is already out here. They're brawling, Flair goes for chops but Hogan is no-selling. Hogan goes for his classic babyface eye rakes. At least Flair's selling the chokes and whippings that Hogan gives him, and he does the best Flair flop he can at his age. Flair can only make Hogan sell for an eye poke. He gets a bit of offence with a strap choke, but Hogan delivers a back kick to Flair's balls that stops that in its tracks. Hogan grabs the weight belt, and starts no-selling Flair's chops again. Hogan drops down, and the ref reminds him it's not a match with pins, so he chokes Flair a bit with the belt to save face.

Flair tries to walk away and forgets he's attached to Hogan. I've seen enough brawl-on-the-outside for one lifetime, so of course we get more. Hogan does what I think used to be his corner punches, then bites Flair's head so he can blade. Hogan just continues to attack Flair, almost completely without reprisal. Flair tries to go to the top rope, with predictable results. Flair again tries to run away. They're in the aisle now, and Hogan graciously lets Jimmy Hart have a go at whipping Flair. Flair tries to go to the back, and they're on the ramp. Then Luger comes out to clatter Hogan in the head with a chair, so Hogan gets colour too. Flair opens Hogan up with the lowest-impact Shane McMahon fists you've ever seen from him.

You know, I heard once that the principle of sports entertainment is that "the heel can never beat a babyface of the same level legitimately". Well, I think Hogan took that too literally, as he literally doesn't sell unless shenanigans have happened. He's getting beaten by Flair now, who hits an uppercut to the nuts, then briefly takes off the strap to chase Jimmy Hart. Flair goes for a grounded choke, Hart tries to yank him off but gets beaten up himself. After what feels like an eternity, Flair becomes the first to start going for corners. He gets three, but Hogan curls up against the ropes and deadweights him, which is the closest thing to match psychology we've gotten from him so far.

Flair pulls out... brass? knuckles. Knuckles made of something, at least. Looks like toilet paper. Flair goes for a pin... which the ref COUNTS! I thought there was no pin? Suddenly there is now? It's self-defeating too, as it allows Hogan to Hulk up. Same old Hogan finish sequence, up to the big boot, and Hogan drags Flair to three corners. Out comes Luger, but Hogan wipes him out too. He hits the leg drop of Flair... and pins him. For the count of three. Hogan wins by pinfall in a match where there is no pin. Fuck this shit. He gets a cheeky fourth corner touch in too, just so you know he could.

A special kind of awful, a match that doesn't even care to make sense, much less be good. Two Luger run-ins for some reason. Pins in a strap match where it was established there are no pins. Somehow this got 2 and a quarter stars from Dave. What was he smoking in 2000?

 

[Emb]

I wonder if there's a 2000 WCW match that was worse than Patterson/Brisco from KOTR 2000.

 

[Sky]

Entry #293
Pat Patterson (c) vs. Gerald Brisco
Hardcore Evening Gown Match for the WWF Hardcore Championship
WWF King of the Ring - June 25, 2000​

Now that my backlog is no longer limited by character limits, I can feel free to review what I want in whatever order I want. In this case, it's two men in dresses! Wait, no, that's not what I want at all. Brisco hit Crash Holly (because it was always Crash) with a 2x4, and then Patterson took it off him. The gag was that they were dressed as women, because reasons.

Brisco comes out with a Hogan-esque entrance, complete with Real American, but he's got his 2x4 because he's mixed up his patriotic 1980s figures. Patterson's out with a shopping trolley, tossing random stuff into the ring. He plants a kiss on Howard Finkel (not the first man he's forced himself on in WWE). He then cuts a promo on Brisco for betraying him, and offers to lie down for him and hand over the belt. They hug it out before Patterson knees Brisco in the nuts. That's the start of the match.

Patterson shoves a banana in Brisco's face. "I think Ray Stevens just took a walk out in heaven and had a smoke" -JR, who probably remembers the time when Patterson was an actual wrestler. He pulls out a FUCKING MENSTRUAL PAD from his drawers. (Somewhere a young Gigi Dolin watches and learns.) Crowd is immediately shitting on this. Patterson teases a stinkface but Brisco uppercuts him in the testes. "Boring" chants fire up. Patterson tries to put Brisco's wig on for no reason. Bronco Buster from Brisco, who then tries to put on Patterson's wig. Is this what "snatching your wig" means? The crowd finally cares when Crash Holly shows up, strips both men, clocks Patterson with a garbage can, and pins him to take the belt. "Thank goodness" -JR. The stooges brawl in the aisle a bit more.

Well, that was absolutely hideous! Comedy that isn't funny, and gross-out comedy that isn't funny on top of that. I have no idea what WWF were trying to achieve by putting this on. It certainly didn't entertain the crowd. I get the feeling they had even more spots lined up before Vince realised this was awful and sent Crash out. Somehow, Pat Patterson in a dress doing gay comedy spots was shit on by the fans even before we all remembered the ring boy thing. I've seen it, and now I never have to see it again.

 

[Sky]

Entry #294
Sting vs. Rick Steiner
Falls Count Anywhere Match
WCW The Great American Bash - June 13, 1999​

We move on to this! WCW being WCW. The 1999 Bash was an awful show. This is one of six matches that I'm considering for this thread, but the one that received the most negative attention. You'll see why. Rick Steiner is the TV Champ but this is non-title. Sting won his first World Title at the Bash 1990. Now, nine years later, he hates being here and you can just see it.

We kick off with brawling, a clothesline from Sting, and... brawling on the outside! I can't get enough of that brawling on the outside! Doesn't make me want to hurt myself when I see the same spots again and again! Back in the ring Rick's clawing at Sting's face. Sting uses a couple of inverted atomic drops, because hey, there's no rule against nut shots. Rick's tossed into the crowd, where Sting punches him over the guardrail. Rick gets a water bottle shot in to get the edge again. He hits Sting with a chair, and Sting tosses a drink at him. After a bit more punching, Sting goes for a Stinger Splash but Rick avoids it. Rick exposes the concrete floor and hits a piledriver for... two?

Excuse me a moment while I go off on one about that decision. Where I come from, the piledriver on the concrete is a career threatening move. It's at LEAST a stretcher job. And yet, right after, Sting can kick out at two. Either this is a sign that Sting is some sort of superhuman who is invulnerable to neck injuries, or someone at WCW just doesn't get how wrestling works. Probably the second one.

Anyway, they're back in the ring and Sting's just writhing on the floor. A release German from Rick gets two, and then he starts clawing at the face again. After a chinlock, Rick does that thing where he hops in place and Sting sells under him. I'm not sure that's an actual move, if I'm honest. Eventually Sting turns around and gets his knees in Rick's crotch. Sting gets some second rope splashes and then a top rope splash for two. Rick uppercuts Sting in the testes and shoves the ref. Then we get a seated surfboard, because you need a rest hold but you've already used a chinlock. Sting fights out and hits a Stinger Splash, and gets the Scorpion Death Drop locked in, but Rick gets a rope break. It's falls count anywhere! Why are there rope breaks? WCW.

They're now walk-and-brawling into the aisle, and Sting hits Rick with a suplex on the ramp before bashing him into the WCW.com commentary desk. They go to the back, and even while Sting's on top, the fans are booing. Well, we're finding out why... as we cut to backstage!

Rick and Tank Abbott are attacking Sting, and Scott Steiner unleashes... actual dogs! Actual real dogs, who run up and try to play with Sting when they're meant to look like vicious killers attacking him. While he's holding some sort of towel that Tank was choking him with earlier. There's even some shots where Sting has full face-paint and dry hair, almost as if they're using a stunt double! It's almost like this is a shoddily-hidden pre-tape! They try to hide this with 20 million camera cuts, but they can't. Only Kevin Dunn has camera cut powers. Scott brings out a Rottweiler, but we never see it attacking Sting (because it's a good doggie). Instead we cut to a spliced-in shot of a few security guards running, then back to a VERY displeased crowd.

The Steiners come out to the ring, and Scott demands the ref announce Rick as the winner. The footage where Sting actually, ya know, got pinned was so graphic that WCW wasn't even allowed to show it. At least that's what I think Scott said. He may have been talking about the holiday he had last month, I don't know. They waste a bit of time running down the crowd and anyone who stands in their way. This is on PAY PER VIEW.

Appropriately for a match involving dogs, this was dog shit! Generic brawling followed by whatever the fuck that finish was.

 

[Sky]

Entry #295
Hulk Hogan (c) vs. Andre the Giant
for the WWF Championship
WWF WrestleMania III - March 29. 1987​

Okay, I'm about to commit a bit of a sin here. I'm going to review Hogan and Andre in this thread. It makes sense - it's a Worst Match of the Year winner, and it got exactly one Dave star (for comparison, he also gave Junkyard Dog's match one star on this show, and if you know Dave you know how much he hated JYD). But it's got THE iconic moment, the one that starts every WWE broadcast. That slam. Which one dominates the other? The iconic nature of the match, or the fact that the workrate is probably going to be absolutely awful? Let's see!

It's wild how many celebrities are involved in these early Manias. Bob Uecker is ring announcer for this one (apparently he's a guy who talked about baseball), and Mary Hart (no relation to any Hart in wrestling, I think) is timekeeper. Why don't we have that at Mania 40, a random TikToker getting tasked with ringing the bell for Roman/Cody? WWE could put their entrance in the Peacock ad breaks, so it doesn't take away anyone's time. Uecker announcing "ANDRE... the GIANT!" was used as the voice clip in my personal favourite WWE signature intro, the late 2000s/early 2010s one before they came up with the "then, now, forever" slogan. I just noticed this. Also, the silly wheelie entrance carts. I go into this match in a good mood that I hope will not be crushed by a 5-minute rest hold.

"The irresistible force meeting the immovable object" is the iconic line as Hogan and Andre have their staredown. Andre doesn't look that much taller, honestly. Shoving match, then Hogan tries a slam, but fails. He's selling his back (as much as Hogan ever sells) so that's what Andre's going to work. By hitting a chop to the back, standing stock still and waiting for Hogan to get up, and hitting another chop. Knee lift, then Andre slams Hogan a couple of times. Then a BIG WALK, because of course. Makes you wish for a bearhug, doesn't it? Whip to the corner. "Andre's taking his time" -yep.

Hogan's backed into the corner and getting crushed, but he manages to sneak through Andre's legs. He's coming in with punches. "He's got Andre stunned" -how can you tell, he's not selling at all. Hogan bashes Andre's face into the corner, then goes for a corner attack, but Andre gets the boot up. And because I apparently have prediction powers, Andre slaps on a bearhug! Maybe I'm being generous because of the spectacle, but I'm a little more fine with this bearhug than most. One, it feels like it makes sense, because Andre has been targeting the back. Two, it makes non-kayfabe sense as a rest hold for immobile ass Andre. Still, it's a near-three-minute bearhug, so it can't be that good.

Arm drop routine, Hogan of course fights back. Goes in for the punches, and Andre deflects his shoulderblocks. Andre gets in a chop to the neck, and Hogan gets kicked to the outside. Andre goes in for a headbutt but only eats post when Hogan ducks. Hogan exposes the concrete and seems to be going for a piledriver, but Andre drops him off. (Now, if that were Sting, he'd have tanked the piledriver and kicked out at two!) Back in the ring, Andre whips Hogan, but Hogan ducks a big boot and gets the giant off his feet with a clothesline! Time for Hogan to Hulk up! He slams Andre, and the crowd lose their FUCKING MINDS. Leg drop, and it's over, Hogan wins. "Greatest match I've ever seen" -Jesse Ventura, who saw Savage/Steamboat on this show.

I'm gonna say... probably not worst match of the year. Sure, it's got literally zero workrate, but the atmosphere of the night makes it not suck as much somehow. If you multiplied [match profile among US viewers] x [negative match quality], sure, that might give it to Hogan/Andre, but it did what it was meant to. Would I be this kind if it were a random TV match between two guys not named Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant? No, probably not. And that's because they weren't Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant.

It's still going below the Hog Pen match, though.

 

[Sky]

Entry #296
Vickie Guerrero/Chavo Guerrero vs. Santina Marella
Handicap Hog Pen Match
WWE Extreme Rules - June 7, 2009​

And now, because I feel dirty putting something like Hogan/Andre below a Hog Pen match, here's a Hog Pen match for Hogan/Andre to be above! And it's the second appearance in this thread for the deeply uncomfortable character of Santina Marella. Santino's twin sister was "Miss WrestleMania" thanks to that insulting battle royal, and had defended that name on Pay Per Fucking View, beating Beth Phoenix in three seconds by Khali interference. He lost the "title" to Vickie Guerrero on RAW, and is now looking to win it back. In a Hog Pen match, because he'd spent a bunch of weeks calling Vickie a pig. What was it with 2009 and calling women pigs in WWE? Fuckin' awful.

Before the match, we get a special appearance from the EXTREMELY CUTE pigs who occupy a section of the Hog Pen. Lawler's advice: "look out for Number 1, and try not to step in Number 2". Great line. This isn't a "throw your opponent into the Hog Pen", it's a pinfall or submission match, so the competitors would just be rolling in mud for the entirety. Santina is distressed (femininely) by having to stand in mud. Vickie comes out in a prom dress, Chavo Jr. in tow, where Vickie drops the bombshell that as RAW GM, she's making this a handicap match so Chavo can be involved in the humiliating spectacle too help her out. Chavo has no idea that this was going to happen, and he's in nice clothes. I hate that Chavo's pretty much involved in embarrassing comedy shit most of his WWE run. Chavo wades in, and Vickie stays out.

Santina kicks off by tossing muck at Chavo who responds by beating his opponent up. "Chavo not finding any of this funny" -that makes two of us, Cole. Chavo shoves dirt in Santina's face, then goes for a piledriver, but takes a back body drop. Chavo flicks some of the contents of the slop bucket at Santina. They are now teasing tossing each other into the division with the pigs in, terrified said pigs. Then Santina tosses Chavo right in and damn near crushes one of them. Santina rolls up Chavo for two, then Chavo mashes Santina's face into the mud. Vickie tags in.

Santina's about to give Vickie a Godwinn-level slop bucketing, but Chavo comes in, stops it, and grabs his own bucket. He tries to toss it at Santina while Vickie's right behind, which leads to the most predictable spot ever. Only, instead of a wrestling move, it's a faceful of pig feed. Santina slops Chavo, punches him out, and then pins Vickie for the three. Vickie's mad at Chavo, and they fight in the mud, for as much as you can fight. I swear, the competitors of the Bath House Deathmatches were more stable.

And now that that's over, I ask: what the hell was the point of all that? Comedy that wasn't funny, wrestling that's barely wrestling. Chavo mostly misses his slop bucket shot too. I just noticed that on the replay. Achieves none of what it set out to achieve.