YOU GET ITShould have had The Goon try to shoot a puck at Doink the clown.
Finally someone else who gets how f'ed up the Billy Gunn/Road Dogg switcheroo was. Not only was Billy Gunn going for the I-C Title and Road Dogg going for the Hardcore Title, Gunn was involved in the Ryan Shamrock love quadrilateral(?) angle.Entry #247
Billy Gunn (c) vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Al Snow
Hardcore Match for the WWF Hardcore Championship
WWF WrestleMania XV - March 28, 1999
WM15 time. A real candidate for one of the worse Manias. And this time, it is on the quality of the work. Even with WM11, which I consider a weaker Mania than this, there were only 3 matches to review there. This time? SIX matches. And we kick off, as is tradition recently, with the opener, starring Mr. Ass, a man with Head, and a former racing driver. This was part of a weird thing where Billy Gunn was going for the IC title and Road Dogg was going for the Hardcore title, but they randomly won each other's titles right before Mania. Vince Russo, everybody.
Three-way brawl kicks us off. Holly hits Gunn with a clothesline so hard that it not only turns him inside out, but outside in. Then Snow takes control of them both. He whips Holly with cables outside the Spanish announce table, then whips Gunn over the steel steps and into the barricade. Now Holly and Snow out in the aisle, Holly suplexing Snow on the outside. Gunn beats down both men but Snow stops him hitting a move on Holly. Holly thanks him by kicking him in the face. Dick.
Al Snow pulls out a hockey stick, which leads to a "let's go Flyers" chant. Snow grabs a tray of drinks but Gunn blasts him in the head with it. Gunn then snaps the hockey stick over Holly's back, and uses the half as a weapon. Snow uppercuts Gunn right in his nuts and breaks a broom over both men's backs. Gunn goes out to grab a chair but doesn't get to use it as he eats broom handle. Snow gets to use it, though, and hits a pretty sweet flying kick off the chair on to Gunn in the corner. He then tries to do the same to Holly but misses. At least I think he does, because the camera was on Gunn's face. Gunn then tosses Holly out and gives him Snake Eyes on the railing.
Snow now gets Head, attacking both men. Head tells Snow to get the table, and he does, tries to smash Holly into it in the corner but fails. Gunn hits Holly right in the head with a chair, then whips Snow into the table. Fameasser to Snow on top of the chair, but Holly breaks it up with another chair, pins Snow, and steals the win!
Not exactly a scientific match, but not awful. I get the feeling it's all downhill from here.
The bodyguard is Mantaur? Was he in full Mantaur regalia? I hope so.Entry #255
Goldust (c) vs. The Ultimate Warrior
for the WWF Intercontinental Championship
WWF In Your House 7: Good Friends, Better Enemies - April 28, 1996
When I go to a "worst of all time" candidate, I check Cagematch to see if there's any other potential candidates on the same show for a multi-match deal. For this one? There weren't any. Even the Bodydonnas vs. the Godwinns seems to be on the right side of mediocre to avoid coverage here. So why is this considered by that particular site as one of the worst disasters in wrestling history? Considering that it features Warrior in 1996, I can see why it would be bad, but why this bad?
I don't know why, but the Network's timestamps are pretty badly messed up on this show specifically, so I had to scrub through to find when this match started. Anyway...
Champ out first, accompanied not only by Marlena, but by a new bodyguard portrayed by Mantaur. Warrior's apparently mad because Goldust put glitter in his face during the pre-show. Goldust's knee is taped up. Not gonna lie, Warrior's entrance with mid-90s production values (and a ton of pyro) is pretty hype. Goldust is playing the cowardly heel here, I see.
Bodyguard tries to enter but the ref stops him. Goldust slides in, but as soon as Warrior points at him, he drags Marlena off up the aisle. While they're gone, Warrior grabs Marlena's dropped cigar and gets back in the ring so the ref can start the count. And then immediately stop the count when Warrior brings out the director's chair. He takes Goldust's robe and wig and has a bit of a break on the chair. The most action that's happened so far is the bodyguard shouting at Warrior. And then it gets INCREDIBLY uncomfortable as Warrior conducts the crowd in a rousing rendition of "Bundle of Sticks". Goldust is mad, and he walks back up the mat. And then down again.
Goldust grabs a FUCKING MIC and threatens to kiss every one of the fans, which leads them to an encore performance, this time singing "Spanish Word for Bassoon". You know what I'm talking about. Goldust gets on the apron, so Warrior tosses the wig at him. In they come, and Goldust nudges Marlena in front of Warrior. He returns the cigar to her, like a gentleman(???) then offers the robe to Goldust. Goldust is rather trepidatious, but eventually gets the apron and takes a seat in the chair. Goldust and Marlena are together, and Warrior... takes the cigar and smokes it some more? Goldust extends his hand and Warrior stubs the cigar out on it, then clotheslines him out of the director's chair. Goldust and Co. get the hell out, and the count-out happens for real.
So, what was that waste of time all about? Apparently, Goldust injured his knee legitimately in the pre-show angle I mentioned, so was in no condition to work an actual match. So we got this. Eight minutes of time-wasting, multiple homophobic chants, a cigar, a clothesline, and a count-out. Baffling stuff.
Nah he was in a typical "shady possibly-Mafia-affiliated bodyguard" getupThe bodyguard is Mantaur? Was he in full Mantaur regalia? I hope so.
Entry #258
Tarzan Goto/Mr. Gannosuke vs. Keisuke Yamada/Shoji Nakamaki
Bath House Deathmatch
IWA Japan - August 21, 1995
Yep, they did another one. This time not featuring the Headhunters, but instead another deathmatch guy and the future Black Buffalo of the Osaka Pro crew. Will it distinguish itself from the original? Let's find out.
Nakamaki and Gannosuke are first in the tubs. They actualy do a bit of mat wrestling, shockingly. There's a struggle for control of the arm, then Goto slaps on a Fujiwara armbar. Nakamaki, apparently not knowing the rules, tries to go out to break it up. Yellow card? Red card? No idea. Yamada tries to out-mat Goto, who pulls off La Magistral for what apparently is a three-count. What even are the rules in this match? It's unclear. Actually, I tried looking it up, and apparently the win condition (if it's not your partner leaving the tub) involves getting a three count, then you're eligible to go into the women's bath and try to drown your opponent. So, in that first match, Goto got a three on Headhunter A and the camera missed it. Good to know.
And of course that means we enter the women's bath, and that means more naked ladies. They run around in panic as the world's most slippery walk-and-brawl takes place and Goto tries to submerge Yamada's face in the tub. Meanwhile in the men's bath, time to turn up the heat. They're on the mat again, and Goto's tossing weaved baskets at Yamada, who's selling them like they're cinderblocks. Then Goto whips him with.... something? We cut to the tubs, and when we're back, Yamada has grabbed that something. Hot tag to Nakamaki and Gannosuke. Nakamaki does a slippery DDT for two. Back suplex by Gannosuke gets another three, and now it's time to visit the women's bath again! More screaming!
Nakamaki manages to toss Gannosuke into the tub, then herds a stampede of nude ladies who are running from the fight. Now they're outside of the bath house! They're walk-and-brawling, and Nakamaki slowly rams Gannosuke into things. Back at the bath house, MORE HEAT! Goto and Yamada start splashing each other like children. Yellow cards are shown, and that means team Yamada/Nakamaki has had two Public Warnings already. The other two have brawled back to the mat, where Goto runs out for no reason other than to spit and gets a yellow. Nakamaki puts on an STF, then Gannosuke gets a hammerlock.
Walk-and-brawl to the men's tub, where Nakamaki is tossed into Goto's tub, and Goto starts trying to drown him. Apparently that's a tag. Goto pours some water over himself. The naked women from the women's bath are watching over the partition. Yamada is straight up not having a good time. A slippery small package by Goto gets him another pin, and that's the cue for naked ladies to make a run for it. There's more bare breasts between these two matches than you'll ever see in the entire rest of wrestling. Meanwhile in the furnace, MORE HEAT. EVEN MORE WOOD. Yamada leaves his tub and gets a third yellow, but it doesn't work and he gets attacked by Goto. There's a bit of double teaming in the women's bath. Yamada falls on his ass.
Tag to Gannosuke, and I guess Yamada's legal now. The yellow-vested ring announcer gets shoved in the tub! Everyone's fighting in the tub! One of the ring girls (distinguished from the bathgoers by wearing any clothes at all) blows a whistle for some reason. Back on the mat, Gannosuke hits Yamada with a piledriver for a pin, so we return to harassing naked ladies! One of them is just staying no matter what! PILEDRIVER IN THE TUB! They start tossing buckets at each other! Then back, tag to Goto. Time for more heat... they literally can't fit any more wood in! Nakamaki and Gannosuke are straight up not having a good time right now. They splash the ring girl.
Apparently there was another three-count and the camera missed it, because we're back to the women's bath! Goto's courteous enough to shampoo Yamada down before trying to submerge him. That one woman is still there. Gannosuke takes a third yellow to toss the announcer in the tub again and run out. Goto's applying a Boston crab and Gannosuke adds to it with a chinlock. Nakamaki's dying in here. Goto tags out to Gannosuke again, who hits a vertical suplex for two. Yamada comes out of nowhere with an enzuigiri, then climbs some steps to attempt a diving headbutt, but Goto dodges. Sliding hot tag to Goto! Nakamaki's too dead to tag.
Goto uses the move that isn't yet known as the Styles Clash. Then again, but with Yamada's face on a bucket to get another fall. Goto whacks Yamada with the wooden stairs before returning again to the women's bath. Nakamaki and Gannosuke are feeling the heat so badly, they even add FIRE in post to show how hot it is! That's how you know! Finally, Yamada is out enough to be submerged for a count of five, and that's the match. Gannosuke is desperately trying to cool down. Nakamaki is slumped over the edge of the tub. Goto is the winner, and he and Gannosuke celebrate by shoving their opponents' faces into the bodies of unwilling bathgoers. They go out, are attacked by the Headhunters, and then walk away with the ring girls.
....I just watched a cinematic match, didn't I?
Anyway, this is going straight to the top of the list and most likely never being beaten. It actually uses the ridiculous stip properly, gives some actually interesting (though very much not serious) spots, and manages to be so stupid it's AMAZING. Definitely still in the bad matches thread, but this is the epitome of fun bad. Sadly it's not as available as the Headhunters one, but you have to see it.